I LOVE the Academy Awards. It's like my own little superbowl. I get the snacks, I set the DVR, I wait excitedly for the game to begin. This year - - what. a. waste. of. good. hot wings. and. blue cheese.
Sadly, George the Elder was out of town, so my viewing buddies were George the Younger and Henry. Let's just say it wasn't the snark-fest of last year with my sisters. But even if we had been together, I think that all we would have kept commenting on was the complete dearth of material actually needed to make a snark-fest snarky. Going it alone was exruciating.
I began the afternoon with high hopes. I even had a couple of hostess ho-hos on hand to make watching the red carpet just a little more tasty and decadent. I started up the VCR with Ryan Seacrest and Guiliana Rancic and the red carpet on E. The way I figured it was that there could be nothing better than to watch lots of fancy pants actresses show off the talents of their stylists and designers than to do so with a couple of hostess cakes to remind me that thems is thems and mes is mes. My observations:
- Guiliana Rancic needs a snack. Badly. It doesn't even look like she's eating cotton balls for nutrition. Her arms were like chopsticks and made Kelly Osborn's head look even larger than it should.
- Kelly Osborn is very very very good at repeating the last thing she has heard. If an original thought had entered her head she wouldn't know what to do with it.
- Cate Blanchet's dress looked like she was auditioning for "Star Wars XVIII: The Red Carpet." I also had some concern initially that she had just put the damn thing on backwards.
- Florence Welsh and Scarlett Johansson are both guilty of raiding my grandmothers linen cabinet. Florence needs to return those frilly bathroom curtains and doilies and Scarlett - what made you think that my granny's thanksgiving table cloth would make a swell dress?
- Henry thought that Jennifer Hudson looked like a traffic cone. Me? I thought she looked great, although I wondered what kind of clamp-like device was holding her left breast hostage. It looked like it was pokin' her something fierce.
- Hailee Steinfeld was a little puff of perfection. Her simply dreamy pretty pink princess frock was divine. Loved the headband too.
- Damn Nicole - - what were you thinking? The hip shield looked like a peplum that got turned around during the limo ride. At least it looked like your forehead was moving again. Thank heavens botox wears off eventually.
- Helena B.C. You just simply scare the crap out of me. I don't care what you're wearing. But I do like your shades.
- Melissa Leo - - did you break in to Elvis' house and "borrow" something from the mid-70's? Pricilla and Lisa Marie want their heirloom back, please.
- Some real lovelies: Sandra in red, Halle in netting and glitz, Hilary Swank who rarely misses, and Helen Mirren who is the one star who I can actually imagine myself wearing the same things she does.
The opening montages were the harbingers of bad, boring things to come (with the exception of Alec Baldwin and Morgan Freeman cameos). I should have just given it up, but you knew I wouldn't didn't you...
- Ann and James? She was like a star struck Hammy the squirrel from Over the Hedge. Pretty much hopped up and hyperactive. James? Did he rehearse his bland, boring, stilted delivery and occasional eye roll? Cause he sure was good at it He was nominated for best actor for a guy who cut his own arm off. About 7 minutes in to the show I wanted to cut my own arm off and beat him with it.
- Kirk Douglas... mostly good and a little bad. Good that he's still alive. Bad that he seems to have gotten in to a relationship with the same make-up artist that Dick Clarke uses. Good that he was probably wittier than the two hosts combined even if we could have used closed captioning to understand what he was saying. Bad that they let his shtick go on about 3 minutes longer than it should have.
- Dear Reese - - I couldn't decide if you looked more like the flight attendant Barbie from Toy Story 2 or some doll I used to have long ago whose hair would grow when you pushed a button in her tummy. You're darling though. Just get a new hair stylist and let Julie Roberts have her dress back.
- I had NO idea that Christian Bale was Welsh/English. I actually had to look it up on IMDb. I seriously thought he was punking us what with that bushy beard and calling himself a git and all. He's just weird enough to make it all up.
- There is a VAST VAST wasteland between stars (with stylists and designers and tailors and make-up people) and the poor working schmucks like writers and editors and documentarians. It would only be leveling the playing field a bit if the academy sent out personal copies of "InStyle: Oscar Secrets" to each and every one of the nominees. This year's edition extolled the virtues of selecting the correct undergarments. Spanx would have made a world of difference for so so many.
- Single emotional moment? The songs from Toy Story 3 and Tangled back to back. I admit to welling up a bit. Toy Story 3 was brutal.
- They should have just let Melissa Leo spew forth her F-Bomb. Now that would have at least made ONE acceptance speech interesting.
- First LOL (and only) : Taylor Lautner and "Doesn't he own a shirt" musical number (see what we were up against if THIS was the only funny thing??? It was horrid.)
- Say what you want about Oprah, but years of reading teleprompters earned her "presenter of the night." She seemed actually interested in presenting the best documentary award.
- Is Chris Martin getting a little pissed that Gwyneth has been asked to perform musically at both the grammies and now the Academy Awards? Cold who??? Oh and BTW - luckily you had a really nice red carpet dress Gwynny - cause you were off key. Sad, but true. Does that make Chris more sulky? I bet it does.
- And last - - H's final comment about Ann Hathway? "How many dresses does that woman have with her?"