Friday, March 13, 2009

What a girl wants

What women really want likely varies wildly among all kinds of woman. You know, like the differences between what Ginger would want and what Mary Ann might desire. Still, I think that beyond the perfect frosted lipstick (for Ginger) and the ideal checkered tie-up shirt (for Mary Ann) there are some commonalities for most woman. As for me, I have reduced that number of perfect-things-that-every-woman-really-wants down to a reasonable list of five. Yes, five digits on your fingers and five perfect things.

  1. The perfect pair of jeans. This tops the list of almost every woman I know. We all want that go-to pair of jeans that fits perfectly. No gaping, no riding, no muffin top, no thong showing, staggeringly flattering, yet wonderfully comfortable, pair of jeans. And, oh yes, they must transform themselves magically to the most current style (low-rise, high-rise, boycut or bootcut) while maintaining the above mentioned characteristics. One should also be able to find and purchase these perfect jeans at the exact moment when a hole in the inner thigh or too frayed bottoms appear and it's not hole-in-the-thigh-grunge fashion time. In other words, every store from your local grocery to the 7-11 should carry them especially for you. Always. 24 hours a day.
  2. The perfect pair of Khakis (or the ability to spell Khaki without having to think for a moment - where the hell does the H belong...). Again, this is the consummate pair of pants for every day wear. They should adhere to all the above characteristics, look great either with a t-shirt or something nicer. To put it another way, they need to be the wardrobe article that dresses you up with out resorting to real trousers that typically necessitate a dry cleaning bill and are shown in fashion magazines. AS IF most women, with the exception of the majority of working women and nearly all true southern women, actually dress like this during a normal day?? Further, said perfect khakis should emerge from the dryer looking pristine. So pristine that your iron actually turns its back of its own volition. But, they can't be made out of that shiny rayon-y synthetic material. Nope, just plain cotton that miraculously doesn't need ironing.
  3. The perfect Mascara. Not too Tammy Faye Baker, not too clumpy or gooey, and a distribution tube that possesses a wand that can be used ambidextrously without wand curvature being an impediment. The perfect mascara must make lashes lush in exactly one coat. It must be just waterproof enough so that its applied excellence is not negatively affected by tearing up at Hallmark commercials or watching your kid in a play. Simultaneously, it cannot be too waterproof so that you need caustic chemicals or special expensive make-up remover to remove it from your eyes and "morning mascara tracks" can be removed with a single tissue and some spit to avoid frightening the person who arrives in the morning to carpool your kids.
  4. The perfect Vacuum Cleaner. This may seem a bit of a stretch, but I'm not kidding about this one. Anyone who has spent more than $39 on a vacuum can relate. The perfect vacuum must have adequate suction without sounding like a jet taking off in your living room (i.e. can you hear your cell phone over the din?). It has to have a long enough cord (retractable of course) that you only need to plug it in a maximum of two times per home level. It must be able to vacuum all surfaces effectively and it must weigh about 10 ounces so that physically hefting it up the stairs is not paramount to the daily gym workout. Preferably, it would also transform in to a delightful piece of furniture that matched every interior so that you didn't have to find a closet to stash it in all the time.
  5. And finally, The perfect Bra. This is a tricky wicket. There are literally hundreds of thousands of bras available. But perfect bra requirements are simple. It must support. It must make your breasts and your back look good in a white t-shirt (THE article of clothing that is best worn when bra shopping. Nothing else shows the foibles of a bra better). It must not only be completely functional, but it must be sexy as well. It is a well known fact that any bra over a cup size C is tantamount to simply take large strips of beige industrial fabric and pulling them tautly across thick wire racks. And finally, the straps must stay on your shoulders and your back fat should not lop over/under the edges no matter what position your arms are held in.

In all honesty, I have been largely unsuccessful at acquiring items 1-4. There is always a major drawback that makes things like jeans, khakis, vacuum cleaners and mascara not-quite-perfect. I know this (and so do you) because I have a drawer full of jeans and khakis waiting to be joined by the next purchase on my pursuit of perfection. I only own one vacuum cleaner, but I continue to dream of the perfect one. I think I have a pretty good mascara, but I am not so loyal to it that I don't try others from time to time. Having found the pinnacle of mascaras would mean that my brand loyalty would be unquestioned. I'm still questioning.

But, recently I have discovered a bra that meets the lion's share of it's required perfection characteristics. I am in love. I think its major drawback is the "sexy" part of it - - let's just say Victoria's Secret stuff is pretty safe from a marketing standpoint - but it doesn't look like a main sail / construction site material combination that has been repurposed for use as an undergarment. But, as far as everything else goes its worth its weight in gold. I practically want to kiss it every morning. Nice support, it looks great under a t-shirt AND say good-bye to any back fat! So sweet. Hello so-very-nearly-nearly-perfect bra! I encourage you to head to your nearest store, or get on a web-site and buy yourself a Spanx bra. You can thank me for it later.

As for the rest of the stuff. I continue my search. We all continue our search. I think it's easier to find the right frosted lipstick (for Ginger) and the impeccable checkered tie-up shirt (for Mary Ann) than it is to located the perfect pair of jeans. It's a hard world out there.

1 comment:

Chris said...

All I can recommend is for #4: Dyson. Get the Dyson. With this purchase you will move from household cleaning instrument to Power Tool. Pricey, but you won't be disappointed.