Monday, February 15, 2010


I'm thinking there's something to this old ad. I like to complain about the extra few that I carry around in my newish 50th decade. But, I only like to complain. I don't like to do anything about it. I want to be able to continue my current moderately sedate lifestyle. I want to be able to put anything I want in to my pie hole. This is not a generally a sound strategy that provides any kind of results. But - THIS. Now THIS may be an answer to everything.

Okay, so the ad is from the 1800's and since we haven't seen these babies on the shelf lately, I'm guessing that it didn't have much staying power as a diet supplement back in the day. Still, consider the current uses for the meager maggot. Those little squirmers have made quite a comeback in the dead and diseased flesh eating medical genre. Even Gwyneth P has been seen with cupping marks on her back in the recent past. Who's to say that Tapeworms aren't just poised on the brink as the next best thing?

These little gems are packed in a jar by "The Friends for a Fair Form." They're easy to swallow. There are no ill effects. Plus you get free shipping. It's all that and MORE! Now tell me that wouldn't be a swell centerpiece of a new weight loss regime?

Course, we got some work to do to overcome the downside of these hard working flatworms. We gotta genetically mutate them to ensure that they stay small and hungry. There's an inherent problem to the possibility that, even in their sanitized form, they can grow to 30 feet. Slim is nice, but when one of those guys pokes his head out of your butt at 10 meters long - well, it simply isn't attractive. Second, we need to alter their basic DNA to contain some form of Gas-X. Turns out that flatulence is a BIG problem. Skinny is pretty. Farting constantly could be a social hindrance.

We will have a major stumbling block with the potential for the whole "death" thing - - but on the upside, rumor has it that worms being the ultimate cause for keeling over are are very, very uncommon. But we would already have a captive market in the, "Die young and leave a beautiful corpse" flag waivers. For others that might be straddling the fence - we only need to modify the tag line to say something like, "You Might Die - but DAMN you'll be Slender!!"

Finally, according to the ad, if you ingest those charming sanitized voracious slimers:
  • No Diet
  • No Baths
  • No Exercise
No diet = O.K.! No Exercise = Down with That! No Baths???? That part'd have to go. Skinny=Good. Smelly=Smelly. I don't care what kind of worms you've got in your body.


KB said...

Yeah, I think I'd rather exercise and eat better (or gasp, drink less) before having a 10 foot worm.

Wait, you said meters. Are those the ones that are bigger than feet and smaller than yards? We had to learn all that in elementary school before American education abandoned the metric system entirely.

Molly said...

The American attention to the metric was propaganda to suggest to Europe that we cared about other people's way of doing things. Sham.

As for the worm. I was good until the visual of a worm popping out of my ass .. well popped into the conversation. Thinking I'll pass.