Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Water World

In an effort to escape the winter temperatures of San Francisco, the boys and I headed inland on Monday to a nearby water park. We left SF amid fog and encased in sweatshirts - - ambient temp hovering between 56 and 57. We arrived in Concord 38 minutes later - got out of the car and began enjoying what was already a respectable 85 degrees and climbing. [Note: My sincere apologies to those of you currently sweltering on the east coast. I KNOW it is hot there. I KNOW you are melting. Just remember the grass is always greener and all that...]

Today, I am still sporting a bit of stiff neck thanks to a minor whiplash incident on a slide called the Honolulu Half pipe. I guess I should have focused on the "Lulu" part of the title. My enthusiasm for sliding backwards and forwards on a slippery half cone clouded my otherwise prudent approach to all slides possessing more than a 20 degree slope of entry. Further, I should have noticed that in order to enter the slippery half cone, some guy, who is bungy-corded to the top of the damn thing, is needed to shove you in to the precipitous drop. Worse, I convinced Henry to go with me. His "thrill ride" tolerance quotient is exactly zero. I convinced him that "it would be fine!!" He is fully justified in his smug nanny-nanny-boo-boo towards my stiff neck.

But beyond the minor whiplash - it was great fun. The sun was shining, the air was hot, the water was cold and the boys had a wild time. All good. We rode many slides. We ate crappy park food. I had a snow cone the approximate size of a small schnauzer. What's with the SUPER sizes of everything?? There was enough crushed ice in that thing to cool a full sized beer keg.

And while we were mostly on the go go go for the whole of the day - I did enjoy a few quiet moments to myself, while the boys were trying to drown in the wave pool, to observe the crowd. I was desperate for a camera - - cause, DAMN - - there were a few folks where a picture would have been worth more than a thousand words. Instead, you get my observations in a nut shell:

  • The Melted Hershey Kiss body type should be added to the more common varieties of apple, pear or hour glass figures. And in all honesty beyond a few roving groups of teenage girls, I didn't see very many hour-glasses. I would like to suggest that that one might be due for removal. The Melted Hershey Kiss body type is more pear than the currently accepted pear and takes in to consideration copious rolls of fat that begin to pool toward the ass and hips.

  • Suggested rule to be posted in front of water park entrance: If you cannot see or, worse, be able to physically touch the bottom of your bathing suit, please do not wear a bikini. It frightens the other guests.

  • Street clothes are not appropriate swim wear. This was more common that you would imagine. Mostly it seemed that both punk and goth favored this fashion "statement."

  • If you are greater than a generous 2x - wearing gortex shorts over your slimsuit is not slimming. Large is large. Embrace it. Shorts do not help to disguise anything.

  • Dear Asian families, Underwear is not considered swim wear. Please do not send your three children to the park in the green tighty-whitey style briefs. People will stare and point. Mom, do not wear your Victoria Secret camisole and boy shorts. And, for crying out loud - Dad in his grey tighty-whities - just don't. Please just don't. Ever again. I will lend you some bathing suits. I will buy you some bathing suits. Please, I'm begging you.

  • Man boobs are bad. Boy boobs are criminal. Step away from the funnel cake roughly the size of a vw beetle. The slurpee the size of a gas pump is not a better alternative.

  • If you are partial to tattooing - which apparently 90% of all people who attend water parks over the age of 16 are - do yourself a favor. Go to someone who actually has had a bit of experience wielding a tattoo gun. Some of the stuff you have permanently adhered to your skin could have been done by Henry or George the Younger - and might have had better results. For a minute there I thought we were sharing the water park with the world's largest reunion of released Russian prison inmates - until I remembered that even Russian Prison tattoos have meaning and are weirdly artistic in their own way.

  • Animal prints in lycra with shimmering fabric details loose their "animal-ness" when stretched really really really far. At some point it just looks like a poorly done abstract painting.

And finally, one benefit to the larger ones among us at the water park - - the heavier the objects in the raft, the great the acceleration and ultimate top speed. So, I guess they had us there...

No comments: