The curious thing is however, I do not Twitter. I have never posted a Tweet. I, at this moment in time, have no intention of being a Tweeter. For the purposes of explanation - I do have a Twitter account. I got it so that I could "follow" this guy called "shitmydadsays" - possibly some of the funniest dollops of droll that I have read. He is laugh-out-loud kind of funny. But, the difference here is that HE has some truly chuckle-inducing things to say, while the little extemporaneous snippets that I would have opportunity to post during any regular day would be hmmm - how could I say this??? Oh yeah - yawn-inducing.
I've thought about what my slapdash thoughts would be during my typical day. The might go something like this:
- Woke up boys this morning. Henry managed to get out of the house without me having to scream like a banshee, threaten to call Nanny 911 or tear hair out. Banner morning.
- Had breakfast. Am loving those Oatmeal squares and can physically feel my cholesterol dropping with each crunchy bite.
- Confused about what to make for dinner! Is pasta three days in a row a mortal sin? Should I start watching Rachel Ray???
- Spent some time at our local Safeway. Amazing! They are now making cinnabears in a new shape. Tiny little dots! I am humbled by their innovative skills.
- Picked boys up from school. Got to car pool lane right on the dot between elementary pick up and middle school pick up. I am a God.
- Made deal with both boys that if they didn't bitch once about going to Kumon that I would buy them milkshakes afterwards in a preemptive strike against the onslaught of whining. It worked. Best spent $8 of the week.
- Helped with son #2's math homework. Had to use Google to recall that when dividing fractions you need to flip one upside down. Tried to read why this worked, still didn't understand it, but luckily was distracted by son #2 who needed to write free form poem about dog.
- Cooked dinner. Thai sesame noodles congealed in to a large peanut/sesame mass. Failure at new recipe. I suck.
- Washed dishes after dinner. Am over the moon that the new Method dish washing liquid that I purchased smelled deliciously like cucumbers. FAR superior to the lemony scents of the past.
- Managed to get Henry to adhere to his bedtime of 9:00 without resorting to hauling him in there kicking and screaming by his right ear. Considered making him take a shower, but couldn't face the onslaught of refusal. Banner night.
- Tried to convince George the Younger that perhaps reading might be a more worthwhile pastime than trying to watch all the day's sports replays on ESPN. Was not successful.
- Folded laundry exceptionally well. Started dishwasher with aplomb. Considered the merits of dusting tomorrow.
Hardly the stuff of epic reporting. But, GOSH! Somebody seemingly wants to hear this stuff. They must lead a small, small life. Shoot, even I would be bored reading my own Tweets! Sometimes when I am talking to George the Elder on the phone while he is working, he says "gotta get this!!!!!" - signalling that his phone is ringing with some important call. Me thinks it is just a ruse. (I never can hear the phone ringing - he needs to work on this part of the farce!) Still, if I were him I would do the same thing. Listening to me recount the intricacies of why the new Pledge doesn't work as well as the old Pledge is not exactly high intrigue. Honestly.
There are days (can you tell?) when I miss my life of working. There were things that were interesting to talk about with colleagues. There were the occasional lunches out where we talked about something other than the latest cleaning products or noodled endlessly over why boy #1 behaved badly on the four square court during recess at school the other day. But, then again, I know that my guys like having me here - and that it is good that I am here for them. And, for the most part, I like having me here as well. It's just those times when you remember that you used to be interesting, that you used to contribute to the financial bottom line instead of just being a G&A drag, and that you used to be able to let someone else consider the ramifications of what will happen if, God Forbid, the vacuum cleaner didn't get run today - well, on those days - I sometimes fantasize about having a blackberry for some other purpose that to read that someone was interested in reading my non-existent Tweets.